MY FAREWELL TO THE CITY, A FAMILY, A LIFE OF ONCE
MUSKOKA AS WALDEN
IT IS ANOTHER BRIGHT WINTER DAY, HERE AT BIRCH HOLLOW, IN SOUTH MUSKOKA. EVERYONE HAS GONE OFF TO DO "THEIR THING" THIS MORNING, AND I'M HERE WITH SOME VERY ANIMATED CATS, AN OLD DOG AT MY SIDE, AND A CRICKET WHO HAS ALL OF A SUDDEN DECIDED TO CHIRP, POSSIBLY TO SPEED UP THE ARRIVAL OF SPRING. I AM SATISFIED, AS USUAL, TO LOOK OUT THIS OFFICE WINDOW, AND SEE THE SAME SPLENDID SCENERY AS YESTERDAY AND THE DAY BEFORE…..BUT FEEL AT HOME…..AS THIS IS MY PLACE IN THE UNIVERSE, FOR HOWEVER LONG GOD MIGHT WISH ME TO REMAIN. IT IS ALL VERY CONTENTING YOU SEE, AND THE CRICKET IS PART OF THE CHORUS, WITH SCRATCHING FROM THE DOG AND PURRING OF THE CATS. THE TAPPING AT THIS KEYBOARD BINDS IT ALL TOGETHER.
I RECALL THE PRECISE MOMENT I FOUND MY DIRECTION AT THE PROVERBIAL, PHILOSOPHICAL CROSSROADS. I WAS STAYING AT A WORK COLLEAGUE'S DOWNTOWN TORONTO APARTMENT, LOOKING OUT THE DOOR TO THE BALCONY, ONTO THAT EVENING'S TRAFFIC; THE ENDLESS, SILENT SNAKING OF RED AND WHITE LIGHTS, AND THE MYRIAD LIGHTS OF ADJACENT APARTMENTS AND OFFICES, STORE SIGNS AND TRAFFIC LIGHTS AGAINST WHAT APPEARED THE JET BLACK OF NIGHT…….AS IF IT WAS A WRAP OF THEATRE CURTAINS AROUND THIS PANORAMA OF CITY EXISTENCE. I HAVE ALWAYS FELT THE CITY AND I WERE POLAR OPPOSITES, EVEN THOUGH MY FAMILY HERITAGE IS ETCHED HERE……WITH EVEN A STREET NAME HONORING MY GRANDFATHER, A BUILDER OF HOMES, BY THE NAME OF STANLEY JACKSON. "JACKSON AVENUE." I SHOULD WANT TO LIVE HERE. BUT I DON'T.
THE THREE REPORTERS WERE GUZZLING BEER, TALKING ABOUT OUR FUTURES IN THE NEWS MEDIA, WHAT MIGHT COME NEXT, NEW ASSIGNMENTS, BETTER JOB OFFERS, ADVENTURE…..OR JUST MORE OF THE SAME. BOOZE. BIG PLANS. STATUS QUO. WE ALWAYS GOT MORE CREATIVE WITH OUR LIVES WHEN ALCOHOL WAS INVOLVED.
EVERY MORNING IT WAS THE SAME EMOTIONAL RESCUE, TRYING TO SCULPT BACK THE NORMALCY WE COULD COMFORTABLY RELATE. IT WAS THE LAST NIGHT WE WOULD BE TOGETHER, AS REPORTERS, DOING THE SAME OLD, SAME OLD. IT WAS FINALLY THE TIME TO ACT ON SOME OF THOSE LIFE AND WORK CHANGES. WE HAD ALL BEEN WORKING IN MUSKOKA ONLY A FEW MONTHS BEFORE, AND ONE OF US HAD EVEN CLAIMED A MAJOR WRITING AWARD. NOT ME. ONE HAD FOUND A MEDIA JOB IN THE CITY, AND THE OTHER WASN'T LONG FROM ABANDONING THE NEWS BUSINESS ALTOGETHER. I KNEW MY OPTIONS. I COULD HAVE MOVED TO THE CITY AND FOUND WORK. I HAD JOB OFFERS. NOT GREAT ONES, BUT WITH MY YEARS AS EDITOR OF THE HERALD-GAZETTE, IN BRACEBRIDGE, I COULD HAVE GONE TO ALMOST ANY WEEKLY IN THE PROVINCE, AND PERFORMED ADEQUATELY. I COULD HAVE GOT A JOB WITH A DAILY BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A SUBSTANTIAL DOWNGRADE FROM WRITING, TO FETCHING COFFEE FOR THE FRONT-LINE STAFF WRITERS. DID I MENTION, ALSO GETTING THEIR MAIL.
AS I HAD BEEN HAPPY TO RETURN TO MUSKOKA, FOLLOWING UNIVERSITY, THIS WAS THE SECOND MAJOR TEST…..NOT JUST TO A FLEDGLING CAREER, BUT TO THE FINE LINE BETWEEN THRIVING AND FAILING. THE CITY I WAS LOOKING OUT UPON WASN'T FOR ME. MY CONTEMPORARIES TOLD ME SO. BOTH OF MY COLLEAGUES KNEW I WAS OFFICIALLY A COUNTRY BOY, AND THE FACT THAT I HAD SPENT MY EARLY YEARS OF LIFE, IN BURLINGTON, DIDN'T FACTOR IN AT ALL, TO WHAT MY HEART AND SOUL WERE CAPABLE OF THESE DAYS. THEY WERE RIGHT.
LATER THAT NIGHT, I COULDN'T SLEEP, AND WANDERED ABOUT IN THE APARTMENT, LOOKING OUT ONTO THE CITY LIGHTS, AND THE HEAVY TRAFFIC EVEN AT TWO IN THE MORNING, AND I PULLED MY NOTEBOOK FROM THE CAMERA BAG, I'D BROUGHT ALONG. JUST IN CASE, WE CAME UPON ANY BREAKING NEWS BETWEEN CITY AND COUNTRY. I STILL HAVE THE NOTES I MADE THAT NIGHT, SCRATCHED WITH AN ALMOST INK-LESS PEN, WHILE SITTING IN A CHAIR BY THE WINDOW……WRITING ABOUT ANOTHER PLACE, ANOTHER TIME, AND THE HEARTFELT LINK I COULDN'T CUT AWAY……AS I OFTEN THOUGHT I SHOULD. I WAS BEING HELD BACK BY NOSTALGIA. SENTIMENTAL STUFF. BUT I HAD AT LEAST BEEN HONEST WITH MYSELF FOR THE FIRST TIME. WHAT I HAD WRITTEN IN THE NOTEPAD WAS PROFOUND, FOR SOMEONE WHO HAD DISCOVERED A SUITABLE WAY, A PRECARIOUS BALANCE, TO SIT ON THE FENCE, FACING BOTH WAYS, WITHOUT SETTING FOOT IN ANY DIRECTION. OUT OF FEAR, I MIGHT MAKE A MISTAKE THAT COULDN'T BE CORRECTED. THIS TIME I KNEW THERE COULD BE NO MISTAKE. I COULD NOT LIVE HERE. I COULD NOT WORK HERE. THERE WAS A SOURCE OF INSPIRATION I COULD NOT SEVER, AND IT WAS MY SAVING GRACE, THAT WAS MORE DURABLE, THAN WHAT I HAD, BY PERSONAL CONVICTION, TO CUT LOOSE AT LAST.
WHEN I PUT THE PEN DOWN, SET THE PAD ON THE TABLE TO MY SIDE, I FELT STRANGELY LIBERATED BY THIS WEE HOURS VIGIL I HADN'T INTENDED. I LOOKED DOWN ON THE HEAVILY IMPRINTED NOTES, FROM A FAILING PEN, AND THEY WERE POIGNANT AND ACCURATE TO HOW I FELT, IN MY OWN ISOLATION IN THIS URBAN CONUNDRUM.
"TIRELESS, THROBBING CITY LIGHTS OWNED THE NIGHT. FOR ENDLESS HOURS SLEEP EVADED MY CAPTURE. PULSING, THROBBING CITY LIGHTS. STREET-WISE HUMANITY PASSED IN CONFUSION ON THIS BLACK VELVET NIGHT, ALONG THE STRETCHING RIBBON LINES….WE COULD ONLY ESCAPE THE METROPOLIS BY DREAMING AWAY THE NIGHT. IT WAS OUR TIME FOR DREAMING. BLESSED DREAMING. OLD FICTIONS. WE BEGAN OUR ESCAPE."
"I COULD NOT BE DENIED MY VOYAGE TO ANOTHER PLACE, IN A DISTANT WORLD, A PEACEFUL BAY, CRADLED BY A CURING BALANCE OF SUN AND LAKE, A LAKELAND BREEZE OVER THE DOCK WHERE I REST. I DEFIED THE PROPORTION OF SUCCESS, I LUSTED FOR, TO BECOME THE WATERS OF THE PINERY STREAM, TO MAKE LOVE IN THE SUNSCAPE IN ANOTHER WORLD. WE WERE DREAMERS THEN, CARESSED BY THE GENTLE WAVES, TAKING AWAY THE PAIN AND DOUBT, ALLOWING US TO SAIL TOWARD THE SKY. THE WIND FILLED THE CANVAS, HOLDING TIGHT, THE SILVER SPRAY TRAPPING THE SUN WITHIN. THE CONSTANT ROLL OF WAVES ON EARTH, PUSHED US INTO A UNIVERSE OF THE FAMILIAR, AND BROUGHT US BACK AS PROMPTLY, TO REALITIES OF OUR OWN SENSE OF SPIRITUAL DEPENDENCE, LOVINGLY UPON ONE ANOTHER."
THERE WAS HARMONY IN THE LAKELAND DREAM, AS WE WALKED TO THE HORIZON ON A GOLDED CURRENT, PULSING THROUGH EACH HEART. THE LAKE HELD US CLOSE TO THE DREAM WE INSPIRED, BY STRANGE ROMANCE, MY ESCAPE FROM THE CITY. THERE WAS NO TRAFFIC ROAR, THE SMELL OF PINES WAS SHARP, OUR TIME FOR DREAMING, LET US STAY A WHILE LONGER, OUR HEARTS."
WHEN I BEGAN PENNING THIS SHORT, SENTIMENTAL PIECE OF RELATIVE NONSENSE, I WAS PRETTY MUCH TRYING TO PUT MYSELF TO SLEEP. IT REALLY WASN'T INTENDED AS ANYTHING MORE THAN A CALMING, TIRING TOME, THAT WOULD SATISFY MY NEED TO EXPRESS CONFLICTING FEELINGS AT THAT MOMENT. NOTHING MORE. BUT IT TURNED OUT TO BE ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT, LIFE-CHANGING EDITORIAL PIECES I WOULD EVER WRITE.
IN ONLY A COUPLE OF SENTENCES, I HAD TAKEN MY TURN AT THE CROSSROADS. I KNEW THAT THE CITY LIFE MY MATES HAD CHOSEN, WOULD NOT WORK FOR ME. YOU CAN TELL FROM READING IT, THAT WHILE THE CITY FASCINATED ME, AND I HAD ONCE ENJOYED STUDENT-LIFE HERE, AS A WRITER THERE WAS NOTHING MORE DOMINANT IN MY FUTURE PLANS, THAN LIVING AND WORKING IN MUSKOKA. YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED I WENT FROM USING "I" IN THE MATERIAL, TO USING "WE" AND "OUR" INSTEAD. THE MOMENT I BEGAN TO DO THIS, IN HARD COPY, WAS WHEN I HAD DECIDED TO ASK MY GIRLFRIEND, AT THE TIME, TO MARRY ME. SOON AFTER ARRIVING HOME TO BRACEBRIDGE, I WROTE A NOTE TO HER SUGGESTING THAT WE SHOULD SPEND OUR LIVES TOGETHER. I SLID IT UNDER HER APARTMENT DOOR, IN AN OLD VICTORIAN HOUSE A COUPLE OF BLOCKS FROM MY PLACE, ALSO A RESTORED VICTORIAN HOME. SHE WAS ALREADY IN BED, AND I DIDN'T WANT TO WAKE HER. I KNEW THEN THERE WAS A BALANCE IN MY UNIVERSE. I HAD FOUND MY WAY, AND HOPEFULLY, SUZANNE WOULD FIND IT IN HER HEART, TO JOIN IN PARTNERSHIP……TO LIVE A FULFILLING LIFE IN THE DISTRICT WE BOTH ADORED.
THIS IS MY VALENTINE MESSAGE TO SUZANNE, MY BRIDE. SO MANY YEARS LATER, A MARRIAGE, A FAMILY RAISED, A RETIREMENT LIFE BEING CONSIDERED, WE ARE STILL HOME IN MUSKOKA…..THE PLACE THAT HAS ALWAYS ENHANCED OUR DAY TO DAY LIVES, AND NURTURED OUR FAMILY IN SO MANY WONDERFUL WAYS.
"THERE WAS HARMONY IN THE LAKELAND DREAM, AS WE STROLLED, HAND IN HAND, ON THAT GOLDEN STREAM OF SUNSET."
MY DECISION AT THE CROSSROADS. COULDN'T HAVE BEEN A BETTER ONE.
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